- "A picture may be worth a thousand words - but a painting is worth a whole lot more."
- "Money is the root of all evil - and root beer is the beer they make from it."
- "You think you've got problems? I'm married to God and he's also my father."
- "Let he who is without shin cast the first bone."
- "Don't be so hard on yourself! You can always convert to Hinduism and make up for it in the next life!"
- "Beyond the valley of the Jolly Green Giant - I will fear no Brocalli."
- "Holy Mary Mother of God, who cut the cheese!"
- "Try the new FAT FREE body of Christ - with OLESTRA!"
- "Wash away my cigarettes and cleanse me of my nicotine"
- "In the name of the Father, the Son and Casper the Friendly Ghost"
- "The surest way to start feeling guilty is by getting caught"
- "There ARE flies in heaven. They have little angel wings and land on golden turds that smell like honeysuckle."
- "The Lord works in mysterious ways - just like those road maintenance guys."
- "All's fair in Love and War but those who Love War can get away with even more stuff."
- "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - and ugly is in the beholder's butt."
- "From dust bunnies you came and to dust bunnies you shall return."
QUOTATIONS THAT SISTER RANDY WISHES SHE HAD SAID:
- "If God had meant for us to run around in the nude - then we would have been born that way." -unknown-
SISTER RANDY'S PROVERBS and APHORISMS:
- "Think outside the room that the box is in."
- "A man's home is a termite colony's castle."
- "Don't spit into the wind produced by the fan that the shit hit."
- "Absolute power outages corrupt milk absolutely."
- "The bigger they are, the harder they fall - on top of you."
- "You can kill 2 birds with one stone - and then eat them with half a potato."
- "Haste makes waste - which can then be used to make art."
- "An itch in time saves having to delouse with lime"
- "A bird in the mouth is worth two in the hand"
- "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you" (mantra of a sadomasochist).
- "Due to the molestation charges against Michael Jackson the Pope has agreed to offer him an honorary priesthood" -- Vatican Gazette
- "Your body is a temple - ask for donations"
- In addition to "Intelligent Design" the Kansas State Board of Education has recommended the following subjects be added to their public school science curriculum:
- Electricity and Prayer
- The Thermodynamics of Hell
- Moses and his Theory of Atomic Heaven
- Miracles and their place in Newtonian Physics
SISTER RANDY'S RELIGIOUS TONGUE TWISTERS:
- "Good God Gabbed Gabriel Gloating Glumly with Grim Gums"
- "Satan's Saintly Sisters Served Sixty Six Slimy Slugs Slightly Scorched"
Noah's Ark was made of wood
God saw that all they'd done was good
But once they'd gotten underway
They found that termites don't eat hay
"REJECTED AD FOR SNAPPLE REFRESHMENTS"
Eve and Adam ate an apple
(Later on they took a crapple)
Their tasty sin
Had done them in
Instead they should have drank a Snapple
Naughty Noah slept with sheep
With sexy snakes he liked to creep
He kissed the zebras once or twice
To cows he was especially nice
He swung with sexy monkey girls
And hung around with nympho squirrels
He hugged the anacondas tight
And hopped in bed with frogs at night
Hyenas laughed at all his jokes
He fertilized the chicken yolks
All through each night and every day
He loved them all, it's fair to say
And that's why horses, cats and dogs
And fluffy sheep and cows and hogs
And even monkeys, pigs and flies
They all have Noah's twinkling eyes
- "People? What the heck!? I thought I was making chocolate chip cookies" -- God
- "I thought of making prunes the forbidden fruit but then Adam and Eve would've really been in deep shit."