Dear Sister Randy,

I wish to confess that I am unable to keep my hands off my nether regions.  I am constantly fiddling with my naughty bits and when I am unable to rot with myself I am none the less thinking about making them all engorged and tingly. I fear that I will either go blind or develop a need for nair on my palms, or both.  Please, please tell me that you see hope for my pitiable condition.  I place myself in your warm and tender hands.  Oops there I go again ... Please reply soon.

Master Baiterman

Dear Master Baiterman,

The Bible is silent on the issue of masturbation. However, using simple deductive logic we can infer the following:

In fact, there is a line of biblical thought that interprets the Big Bang as God's self-induced orgasm and the Universe as his giant cum wad exploding outward onto the soiled (yet downy soft) fabric of space.

There is a confusing tendency for the church to denounce masturbation without coming right out and saying so. Sexual acts that cannot lead to conception are condemned as being against natural law and any sexual act outside traditional marriage is considered a sin. However, given that surveys show that 95% of adult males masturbate, it should come as no surprise that many clergy are nowadays referred to simply as Wankers.

Some additional information on this subject can be found at: here & here.

Sister Randy