Dear Sister Randy,
I like to fart in church.
Dear "Stinky Pew",
Thank God this is a virtual confessional!
It's a little known fact but every time you fart in church an angel gets their wings. In fact, you should save them up for church - I do. You would be remiss if you didn't eat large quantities of beans prior to mass.
You are also encouraged to break a single large fart up into many smaller farts when possible. In this way many more angels will be able to receive their wings.
If there are a surplus of farts (i.e. more farts than human angels requiring wings) then the wings are distributed to angels from other species in the following order of priority:
Why hamsters are at the bottom of this list is a mystery that has puzzled religious scholars for centuries. Hamster lovers are encouraged to write their religious representatives and to demand an accounting of this enigma.
SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL NOTE: Although farting in church is a blessed event it never-the-less creates an unpleasant odor which is why churches have such high ceilings (i.e. so that the escaping gas can ascend and accumulate harmlessly in the rafters.)