Dear Sister Randy,

I like to fart in church.

Stinky Pew

Dear "Stinky Pew",

Thank God this is a virtual confessional!

It's a little known fact but every time you fart in church an angel gets their wings. In fact, you should save them up for church - I do. You would be remiss if you didn't eat large quantities of beans prior to mass.

You are also encouraged to break a single large fart up into many smaller farts when possible. In this way many more angels will be able to receive their wings.

If there are a surplus of farts (i.e. more farts than human angels requiring wings) then the wings are distributed to angels from other species in the following order of priority:

• Dogs
• Cats
• Horses
• Dolphins
• Monkeys
• Pigs
• Elephants
• .
• .
• .
• Rats
• Cockroaches
• Snakes
• Ebola Virus
• Bacteriums (of one sort or another)
• Hamsters

Why hamsters are at the bottom of this list is a mystery that has puzzled religious scholars for centuries. Hamster lovers are encouraged to write their religious representatives and to demand an accounting of this enigma.

SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL NOTE: Although farting in church is a blessed event it never-the-less creates an unpleasant odor which is why churches have such high ceilings (i.e. so that the escaping gas can ascend and accumulate harmlessly in the rafters.)

Amen,
Sister Randy