Dear Sister Randy,

I'm a practicing alcoholic. Will I still be able to qualify for heaven?

I Found the Holy Spirit in a Bottle of Gin

Dear "I Found the Holy Spirit in a Bottle of Gin",

Of course! Heaven is full of drunks! That's why there's so many clouds - so nobody hurts themselves. But in case you want to make sure, then the following penance is recommended:

• 10 Hail Marys (Same as a Bloody Mary but with Holy Water instead of tomato juice)
• 8 Our Fathers (Whisky with a smidge of Old Spice Aftershave)