Dear Sister Randy,

I snuck some candy and other snacks into a movie. Have I sinned?

Candy Smuggler

Dear Candy Smuggler,

On the contrary. The prices that movie theaters charge for their snacks is highway robbery. Anything that can be done to deny these scoundrels their ill-gotten booty is God's work.

However, it's important to remember that the surest way to start feeling guilty is by getting caught. In light of this I've taken the liberty of illustrating some approaches to keep in mind when smuggling snacks into a movie theater.

• Small Cylindrical Items, such as Tootsie Rolls and Lifesavers, can be inserted into the body cavity of your choice. Despite the increased security of many movies theaters, it is highly unlikely that they will ever stoop to performing full body cavity searches any time soon.
• Soft Packages, such as M&M's and Skittles, can be tucked under your arms, between your thighs or within the small of your back. Women have the added option of padding their bra with these items.
• Box-Like Packages, such as Good-n-Plenty and Milk Duds, can be taped to your torso (like the guy in Midnight Express). This scheme has the additional benefit of removing excess body hair.
• For Large, Bulky Items, such as Watermelons and Roast Turkeys, it's best to disguise them as small, infant children. Most movie theaters don't charge admission for infants and so this is certainly one of the best ways to smuggle in large items or large amounts of smaller contraband. In addition, other theater-goers will be impressed by how well-behaved your child is. Just don't let anyone see you pulling off a drumstick or cutting a slice from what appears to be your child.
• Of course, Bulky Coats and Large Purses are time-tested, reliable options as well.