Dear Sister Randy,
I need help !! I have a compulsion for stealing ridiculous objects that I feel are neglected & overlooked, for example decorative fruit at cocktail parties, garden swans from motels, that sort of thing.
Recently I was at a bar with some friends when it suddenly struck me how forlorn & lonely the raffle wheel looked, so I stole it. The only thing that made me feel Christian on the way home was that it kind of looked a bit like a re-enactment of the crucifixion as it looked a bit cross like.
I hid it in my friends back yard & only returned it the next day as my friend came down with a case of good old fashioned Christian guilt.
Can & will God forgive me ??? Should I keep liberating these objects or do I need help ??
Miss Bev the Inarticulate Compulsive Thief
Dear Miss Bev the Inarticulate Compulsive Thief,
Your only sin was delivering the raffle wheel back into captivity! Go back and free it at once! You can then use the raffle wheel to raffle off the other "liberated" objects (which you can then re-liberate at your convenience) and then use the resulting money to establish an island/nation which shall be called the Isle of Kitsch and whose people shall henceforth be known as the Kleptomanites (the lost 13th tribe of Abraham).
Liberate them! For they are God's Chosen Objects and you are their deliverer!
Just as Saint Anthony is known as the Patron Saint of Lost and Stolen Objects, so you shall henceforth be known as Saint Bev (aka Sticky Fingers) and privy to the secret warehouse where Tony stashes the stuff.
There are many biblical references to other selfless acts involving the "rescue" of various inanimate objects. Noah's Ark, for example, was packed to the rafters with items "liberated" from the yards of his neighbors.
Keep up the Good Work! (but don't expect to be invited to my birthday party)