Dear Sister Randy,
It seems that time after time I am committing a sin. Every time I turn around, it's a sin. I find random men, married, single, gay, straight, bisexual, and or even trisexual, and have raunchy sex with them until I can't contain myself and explode with passion. Tell me please, what am I to do... I think I really need help? If that's not enough, I go to the local sex club and join in on the orgies and don't even protect myself! Maybe I need to be shot or put to sleep? Who can say, the only thing I know to do is ask for help from you.
Dear Horny Homo,
God has commanded us to "Go Forth and Multipy" and therefore rampant sex and orgies are clearly NOT sinful. The only catch here is that by participating in homosexual sex you will be unable (by definition) to multiply - thus incurring God's wrath. If however, you were to recite your multiplication tables (i.e. 2x2=4, 3x3=9...) while engaging in homosexual sex then that would certainly satisfy the requirement and prevent any potential "Wrath of God" type lighting strikes.
You're very fortunate, for the bible advises you to cut off any part with which you've sinned (Matthew 5:29-30) & boy, that would've hurt!
Definitely protect yourself (and others) from STD's though, as they are the devils work.
P.S. Please report to me the location of the sex club where these orgies are taking place as I must investigate this personally.