Dear Sister Randy,

I killed a man for $2,000,000 and... enjoyed it!!! I killed a a nun after she saw me and ran of. hah hah........!!! then i killed a vegan venus fly trap and swore at the pope twice and pulled a mooney at homer simpson at home. plz hlp me i feel like a spastic aligator!

Spastic Alligator

Dear Spastic Alligator,

It was I! I was the nun that you thought you killed only I played dead! And to top that - the "man" you "killed" was already dead! I killed "him" first! "He" was of course, not a man but one of the very same venus fly trap pod people that you claimed to have killed later and which have subversively infiltrated this planet from some God-awful alternate universe.

As for swearing at the pope? Big deal. I swear at him every time he reaches Heavenly Bliss before me!

The mooney at Homer Simpson is a non-starter.

The only true sin here is your abuse of the English language. It is a member of a new class of Internet sins and is known as E-Sloth or E-mail Sloth. It is the contraction and butchery of the language to lazily minimize key strokes (it can also refer to the failure to respond to an e-mail within a reasonable amount of time - like my response, for instance). Beware! This is a variation of one of the Seven Deadly Sins!

Your penance is a follows:
- Help 2 old ladies across the street.
- Eat 50 hard-boiled eggs at one sitting, like Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke.
- Run around your block, 10 times, in the nude.

Hey! I'm just the messenger! Don't blame me!

Sister Randy