Dear Sister Randy,
I have recently been arrested and out on probation due to burning down a local McDonalds... however I had good reason. I am a strong vegetarian and care very much about my fellow animal friends. I figured that if just ONE McDonalds was burned down, there would be hundreds of less cows killed! However the police officers, and McDonalds employers did not view things the same way I did. Is this really a sin? How can I redeem myself?? Please help.
Dear Vegetarian Arsonist,
There are so many of these "McDonalds" (as you call them) that I'm surprised anyone even noticed that one was missing.
One bit of advice that Sister Randy has unfortunately acquired personal experience with, is this: NEVER, EVER, TALK TO THE POLICE!
Although, I understand that your motivations were pure, you have indeed committed a sin - the sin of self-righteousness. Your penance is as follows: YOU MUST EAT A HAMBURGER!
Now, now, don't panic just yet. Fear not. Because Sister Randy sympathizes with your unfortunate situation you are hereby permitted to substitute soy protein for actual animal flesh (i.e. a soy burger will do).
God forgives you (although the police probably won't).
Go in peace - quickly, before they catch you,