Dear Sister Randy,
I can't seem to stop myself from having sex with animals. Shouldn't I be punished? Perhaps with hot gravy?
Dear Animal Lover,
As long as the animals are consenting adults I believe you're in the clear. The aging multipliers (see below) may vary depending on where you live so you should check with your local church before you risk engaging in unlawful sex with a juvenile animal. Here are some common aging multipliers to give you a rough sense of where you might stand:
Multiply the age of your chosen sexual partner by it's aging multiplier and if the resulting age is less than 18 then you will most definitely be committing a sin. As an example, if your chosen partner is a dog and it's 4 years old then using the above indicated multiplier of 7 we arrive at an adjusted age of 4x7 = 28. This would place your partner well into the adult age range.
- Dogs: 7 (i.e. dogs age 7 times as fast as humans and so multiply their age by 7)
- Desert Tortoise: 1 (they grow to be about the same age as humans)
- Giant African Snail: 4 (they can live to be about 20 years old)
- Fruit Fly: 20,090 (they only live a day or two)
If, using the above calculation, you determine that you have indeed sinned then your penance is as follows: You must volunteer at your local pet shelter for a minimum of 400 hours. Should you abuse this situation in a manner similar to your original sin then hell and brimstone await you in the afterlife.
Go Forth in Peace,