Dear Sister Randy,

I'm a liar. I can't seem to help myself. I've poisened one relationship after another with my incessant inability to tell the truth. What can I do to make up for the misery that I've caused others?

Lying Bastard

Dear Lying Bastard,

Fortunately, there is no commandment that says, "Thy shall not lie". We might therefore infer that God considers lying to be perfectly permissible. This explains, of course, the seemingly hypocritical behavior of religious leaders throughout history. Alas, what seems hypocritcal, is in reality, well within the realm of church doctrine. However, since you seem to feel guilty of something, I'm inclined to believe that you have, in fact, committed a sin of some sort.

Your penance is as follows: Ten jumping jacks, fifteen situps and a carton of Marlboro Red's (to be deposited in my personal donation box).

You are henceforth absolved of the aforementioned sin,
Go Forth in Peace,

Sister Randy