Dear Sister Randy,

I neglected to feed my goldfish and it died horribly of starvation. I'm racked with guilt. What can I do? Is there any way out of the personal hell that I've created for myself?

Fish Murderer

Dear Fish Murderer,

There is no passage in the bible which explicitly forbids this particular act and therefore I'm partial to being a bit lenient. Thusly, your penance is as follows: You are to purchase/liberate one dozen goldfish from within the confiines of a pet store (or some-such other palace of horrors) and to then release said goldfish into a free and nurturing environment, such as the waters of a tranquil Japanese Tea Garden.

You are henceforth absolved of the aforementioned sin,
Go Forth in Peace,

Sister Randy